Oh  lord. I'm totally smitten for this girl. Which is madness. And can only end tragically. 

I've been thinking about the end of relationships and such. Why should it be that there is always a victim. Isn't it just that sometime two people aren't right for each other? Maybe they came to that point unexpectedly, and it wasn't always true. I dunno. Amicable separation is not my forte I guess. Hell, letting go at all is all but impossible.

And on that note, my best friend is pissed at me. And maybe the whole thing makes him uncomfortable. Its not like that is unreasonable, even if he has been a little too judgmental for any of our good. Then again wasn't that us? The crowd, the circle...and me too. We took the moral high ground and made it our home. A clique of intellectuals, pseudo-intellectuals and eccentrics and all we ever asked is that people try to be good. Where did it come from? Did this stem from a bitterness about the success of others? Or were we really that good? I remember genuinely wanting everyone to be happy and live a better life. Then too, I remember awkward lies, pathetic betrayal, and irredeemable behavior. But I forgave him, and part of the reason why is that we weren't in a position to afford being perfectly moral.  

But back to the tale at hand. I look at her and I can't believe I'm with her. And every thought I have now leads back to her.

Saturday night at Youma, I struck out on my own, driving around podunk Michigan listening to the Promise Ring...singing along. Very my style (though usually I would be on foot). And I started to think....I thought about what the ideal woman would be like for me. I'd let inertia carry me so far...six years and counting. What would the dream be like.

And then I saw her Sunday. I saw her and I knew I had to do something. I remember looking for her and running into Mike. He was all, "What're you up to?" And I'm like, "Oh, you know, stalking this girl...".  And, well, I found her.

It would probably be to my immense benefit if the world were to end in some well-foreshadowed cataclysm, say next year. If zombies were to attack, so many more of my actions would just become oh so justifiable. As it is, I try not to lolook at the big picture. The future is an enemy, and I will not a pick a fight with him if I can help it. He is inevitable, but then there are always those moments in the world, which yet defy reason, planning and sanity. I will hope for a miracle and follow this path, and if the train wreck is beautiful, I hope I'll have friends there to see it.

 
Monster
Once the religious, the hunted and weary
Chasing the promise of freedom and hope
Came to this country to build a new vision
Far from the reaches of kingdom and pope
Like good Christians, some would burn the witches
Later some got slaves to gather riches

But still from near and far to seek America
They came by thousands to court the wild
And she just patiently smiled and bore a child
To be their spirit and guiding light

And once the ties with the crown had been broken
Westward in saddle and wagon it went
And 'til the railroad linked ocean to ocean
Many the lives which had come to an end
While we bullied, stole and bought our a homeland
We began the slaughter of the red man

But still from near and far to seek America
They came by thousands to court the wild
And she just patiently smiled and bore a child
To be their spirit and guiding light

The blue and grey they stomped it
They kicked it just like a dog
And when the war over
They stuffed it just like a hog

And though the past has it's share of injustice
Kind was the spirit in many a way
But it's protectors and friends have been sleeping
Now it's a monster and will not obey

The spirit was freedom and justice
And it's keepers seem generous and kind
It's leaders were supposed to serve the country
But now they won't pay it no mind
'Cause the people grew fat and got lazy
And now their vote is a meaningless joke
They babble about law and order
But it's all just an echo of what they've been told
Yeah, there's a monster on the loose
It's got our heads into a noose
And it just sits there watchin'

Our cities have turned into jungles
And corruption is stranglin' the land
The police force is watching the people
And the people just can't understand
We don't know how to mind our own business
'Cause the whole worlds got to be just like us
Now we are fighting a war over there
No matter who's the winner
We can't pay the cost
'Cause there's a monster on the loose
It's got our heads into a noose
And it just sits there watching

America where are you now?
Don't you care about your sons and daughters?
Don't you know we need you now
We can't fight alone against the monster

So I have returned from Youma. Generally an uplifting experience...makes me feel like conning again. From the vast numbers of people offering free hugs, to the girl who randomly asked me to dance in the middle of a circle of a bunch of ravers at the dance, it was a good time. 

Talking with Roman on the trip back, he made the very good point that now is great time to be writing scripts. With the writers strike going on, the industry is in a volatile state. Not that I'm suggesting attempted scabhood or anything like that, just, who knows what opportunities might be out there, y'know.

 
I once had a philosophy professor that suggested the way that jazz players interacted with each other, made music into a language. That sort of appropriation and reworking of themes is practiced by DJs as well, though with a lesser degree of control (no disrespect intended).  What if artificial intelligence had evolved to a point where it was to bored to bother communicating with us? What if the only way we could make it worth their time was through art?

Consider if the basic engineering problems of space travel had been resolved, and ships had been engineered to achieve relativistic speeds through a fision propulsion system. Perhaps the job of piloting such ships would be thrust upon these AIs bound in the objects they pilot, unwilling.

Bah...I must abort this thought...no time, no time...